I had this life changing experience one morning when I dropped my girls off at school. On this particular morning I had to walk them in for some reason. As I began to walk in, I realized my youngest was not with us. I scanned the parking lot and she wasn’t anywhere to be found. Where was she? I panicked and began screaming her name. Nothing. I screamed again. She suddenly appeared from behind the car. She was mad at me because I had yelled her name. She wasn’t lost…but I was.
I was lost inside this world of fear. I couldn’t seem to find my way out. Darkness surrounded me and filled me with worry, panic and anxiety. I feared everything. And I mean everything. The things that I fear are stupid things, too. Why would I panic about losing my daughter when she had just gotten out of the car with me? She was 6 years old. It wasn’t like she was a baby. She knew to stay with us.
Fear has been a part of my life since I was a child. It’s not something new. It has been weighing me down since I was a little girl. And I was finally tired of it. It was time to cut fear loose so I could run freely through the open fields of God’s love.
After that morning panic in the school parking lot, I immediately went to work (which is at a church because I’m the Children’s Director). I went straight to the sanctuary. Time to give this fear over to God for good.
During the quiet moments in the sanctuary, I heard God whisper Romans 8:15-16
For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received a spirit of adoption. When we cry “Abba! Father!” it is that very Spirit bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God.
I also listen to music while in the sanctuary, and Laura Story’s song “I Can Just Be Me” began playing on my phone that day. Tears began to stream down my face as she sang these words:
“I’m so tired of trying to be someone I was never meant to be. Be my God. Please be my God. Be my God so I can just be me.”
I have believed in God my whole life. I gave my life to Him as a young girl. I’ve been to seminary and have been in the ministry full-time since 2001. However, I had not given my fears over to Him. I realized that morning in the peaceful sanctuary that I was not created to live in fear. I was created to worship and obey Him and that meant being free from fear.
That day I decided I wanted a new life. A life where I would choose faith over fear. I wasn’t going to allow fear to control me. I was going to be who God created me to be and not a woman who lived in the black hole of fear. I wasn’t going to allow fear to keep me from living my life and being all that God wants me to be.
God laid on my heart not too long after that to write my story. So, I have begun writing a book about fears of serving God in the ministry. It’s a work in progress, but I hope that one day in the next year or two you will be able to read it.
This blog is going to be about fears. Each month is going to be a different fear and I will write several blog posts each week centered around that theme. I hope to share practical and tangible ways that will help you let go of the fears you have.
I will start my weekly series next week. It will be on “Fear of Sharing my Heart”. That’s a BIG fear I have had to overcome in starting this blog and writing a book. It’s not easy to share what’s on my heart. Pray that I will have boldness to share as God wants me.
My hope is that you will take this journey with me and slowly and surely begin letting go of the fear that has kept you weighed down. I don’t want you to be afraid. I want you to surrender your fears daily to the Lord and allow Him to lift this burden so you, too, can run freely through the field of God’s love.